Friday, May 15, 2009
Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.
"Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute", said the man carrying
the explosive.
Don't worry, the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot.
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I am very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver, said the friend to the old man.
Oh, don't worry, I can drive.
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.
"Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute", said the man carrying
the explosive.
Don't worry, the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot.
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I am very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver, said the friend to the old man.
Oh, don't worry, I can drive.
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A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build.
"Twenty years," replied the guide.
"You Indians are a lazy lot," the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five.
At Agra he admired the Taj's beauty and asked how many years it took to build.
"Only ten years," said the guide.
The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was?
The guide replied: I don't know. It wasn't there yesterday evening.
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"Twenty years," replied the guide.
"You Indians are a lazy lot," the tourist said. In my country, this could have been built in five.
At Agra he admired the Taj's beauty and asked how many years it took to build.
"Only ten years," said the guide.
The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was?
The guide replied: I don't know. It wasn't there yesterday evening.
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. Give me your money, he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, 'You can't do this-I m a politician!' In that case, replied the robber, give me my money!
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Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he'd outpace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His cars speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said:Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.
The man thought for a moment and said: Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost?"
God listened very patiently and kindly. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "Okay! Great." But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem!" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holi¬ness, " said the golfer."
Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
There's bad news?" the Pope asked."Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
A Wife says to her husband one weekend morning,"We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replies, "Well, lots of clever dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
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The night is dark, the moon is high,
I stop my car, u ask why?
I come close to you, you feel shy,
I tell you three magical words...
Hye La, Puncture!!
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A Blonde visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Blonde goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And she finds out that it means "U R STANDING ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
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The mother of many children lined up her family.
"The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as he's told without arguing will get a rupee at the end of the week".
"It's not fair," said the youngest kid, bursting into tears."Daddy'll win easily."
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"My father wants me to have everything he did not have when he was a boy".
"What didn't he have?"
"All 'A' on his report card".
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A salesman was dismissed because he was rude to a customer. A month later the sales manager spotted him walking about in a police uniform.
"I see you've joined the force, Bhatnagar," said the sales manager.
"Yes sir. This is the job I've been looking for all my life. Here the customer is always wrong.
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Sonu was saying his bedtime prayers: 'Please God, make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy,...
Why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy? Sonu's mother asked. And Sonu replied: "Because, that is what i put in my Geography exam!!
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When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: "Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children".
'Excuse Me' the efficient woman replied,'I thought we got paid for what we produce here- not for what we produce at home in our own time'.
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A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
Watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
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A Japanese came to India. He took an Auto to go to airport and on the way a HONDA overtook.
JAPANESE : HONDA made in Japan, Very Fast!!
Next a TOYOTA overtook, he said TOYOTA made in JAPAN very fast!!
Airport came and he asked how much??
DRIVER : 800Rs
JAPANESE : Why so expensive??
DRIVER : Meter made in INDIA, Very Fast!!
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A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The problem was who should get custody of the child
The wife screamed and jumped up and said, "Your Honor, I brought the child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child should be in my custody.
The judge turned to the husband and said "What do you have to say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. "Your Honor, If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Come Out...
Whose Pepsi is it....The machine's or mine??
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Surgeon : "Have you ever undergone an operation?
Patient : "Yes"
Surgeon : What for??
Patient : Rs 5000
Surgeon : I mean, what did you have?
Patient : Only Rs 2000
Surgeon : No You don't understand. What was your complaint?
Patient : The bill was too high!!
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Jawaharlal Nehru : Laziness is our biggest enemy.
Maht. Ghandi : Try to love your enemy.
Which one to Follow??
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Meena : My son has started walking since he had been of one year.
Tina : Oh! my god he might be tired by now due to such a long walk!!
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You're so stupid, your mother told you to go buy a color television and you asked which color??
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Boy & Girl in restaurant.
Boy : I Love You.
Girl : I don't Love you.
Boy : Think again?
Girl : I told u. No no & no.
Boy : Waiter bring seperate bills.
Girl : Ok ok..I Love you too.
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Girl announced her engagement to her father.
Father : Does this fellow has any money?
Girl : Oh!! Dad, You men are all alike, thats exactly what he asked me about You.!!
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a doctor", or That is Harry, He is an Engineer.
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,and there's the teacher, She's Dead.
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Mother : David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother. You really disappoints me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
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A boy went to his Dad's friendz home late night.
Uncle offered him to sleep in Baby's room.
Boy refused because the baby might cry at night
and went to sleep in the lounge.
Next morning he saw a beautiful girl at the breakfast
table.
Boy : Who are you?
Girl : I am Baby and You?
Boy : I am a Stupid!!
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"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a doctor", or That is Harry, He is an Engineer.
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,and there's the teacher, She's Dead.
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Mother : David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother. You really disappoints me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
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A boy went to his Dad's friendz home late night.
Uncle offered him to sleep in Baby's room.
Boy refused because the baby might cry at night
and went to sleep in the lounge.
Next morning he saw a beautiful girl at the breakfast
table.
Boy : Who are you?
Girl : I am Baby and You?
Boy : I am a Stupid!!
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Labels: Best Laughter
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